VK on Crack Collection of 2009
by Kagamichihime
Summary: Please Ignore. Kept for history purposes and documentation only.
1. OOC Much?

**A/N: Warning, this fic should only be read by people who can take a joke. This entire thing was to poke fun at friends and things I like, and should be looked at with a lighthearted attitude. There's quite a bit that I know may offend people. I warn you now. Last chance to turn back.**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in the following fic, not Vampire Knight, not Hairspray, Saturday Night Live, Twilight, or Plasma screen tvs. I do, however, own the crappy plot.

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_ROTFLMAO_

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It was a day unlike any other. Indeed, because someone had armed a rabid Vampire Knight fan with a Laptop, an Ipod, and stuck them with extreme boredom.

It did not bode well for the world of VK.

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_inlulzwetrust_

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Zero had spent the better part of a fortnight watching Yuuki's every move - watching when she ate, when she slept, when she showered, he paid close attention then.

He didn't even do it in secret, Yuuki could see him plain as day, nose shoved into the glass of the shower door, drooling over her naked form. For pete's sake, was he a vampire or a zombie? The way he stared made Yuuki think it was the latter.

On the fourteenth night of stalking, she had had enough.

"Oi, Zero! _Kaname's_ supposed to be my stalker! In case you haven't read Twilight, which people totally compare us to all the time, he's the Edward of this series!"

"Like hell I've read that! I'm twice the stalker he is! I can-"

"Shut the hell up Jacob!" Kaname snapped, materializing out of nowhere into the shower with Yuuki.

"Oniisama!!!" Yuuki cried, throwing herself into his arms.

"Ye- wait, how the hell did you know that? I haven't even awoken your memories yet."

"I went to Manga Fox to read ahead. The US translates so slow." she waved off with an eye roll.

"Seriously? You've gotta be fucking with me!"

"Eh," she shrugged with indifference. "Some of the fans seem to have thought so after reading chapter 49."

"What? Since when? What the hell are we still doing here? Let's frikkin' go already!" Kaname began to tug on her wrist, about to disappear into chapter 49.

"Um, in case you haven't noticed, I'm nude right now, and, I'm not in that chapter."

"Shit, screw that then."

"Hello? She's mine! Back the fuck off man, go hit on someone other than your sister!" Jacob, er, Zero was getting pissed.

"It's still a notch above "eating" my same sex twin!" Kaname wrinkled his nose. Yuuki sat back to watch in the corner.

"Hey, he asked for it!"

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*Flashforward*  
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"Zeroooooo." Ichiru was rubbing against his twin like a cat in heat.

"Get the hell off me! I'm busy!" Zero tried to swat him away.

"But oniiiiiiiiitan, you know Edward comes back, just put the book down. Come over and eat me."

"Hey! I am not fucking reading that crap! Do you see this cover? What the fuck does it say?"

"You stole that book sleeve off of a Harry Potter hardback in Borders!" Ichiru accused.

"Shut the fuck up before I make you!" his blush was fierce. Ichiru hopped down off of their bed to kneel in front of Zero, pawing at his lap.

"Ooh, I'm so scared, what are you gonna do to me you dick?"

"I'll friggin' shove mine down your throat if you STFU - Hey wait!"

Ichiru had grabbed Zero as soon as those words were out.

"Oh, too bad for me, I don't want to, looks like you're going to have to punish me." he purred.

"Wait, we're still fully dressed, uh, I mean, get the fuck off!"

"Don't worry Zerorin, I have breakaway pajamas!" he stood and ripped off his clothes, standing in nothing but a string bikini. His twin shot him a look of pure WTF.

"What the fuck?" he reiterated. Without warning Ichiru broke down into tears.

"I knew you would never support my dream!"

"Did I miss something here?"

"Can it fuckface!" he sobbed dramatically. "Just because I wasn't picked to be the cross-dressing mom in Hairspray doesn't mean my theatrics are inferior! Why, WHY?! Damn you Miley fucking Cyrus!"

"Uh, Ichiru, John Travolta got that role."

"Oh, so now you're sticking up for that little hoe?" he continued to sob. "How come Disney wants her? What, vampires aren't Christian enough? We're always seen with crosses, every fucking where!"

"You aren't even a fucking vampire you wannabe! And FYI, we went to Disney to audition for roles. Apparently the Sprouse twins are too much twin action for the entire company, what with sick fucks making shota fanfiction about them. I tried telling you this, but you were too busy shoving your nose up Ashley Tisdale's ass because you thought she looked like Shizuka!"

"That's 'cuz you never shove your nose up my ass anymore!"

Zero let out an exasperated sigh.

"If I shove my nose up your ass, will you please get rid of that jizz stained autographed photo of her?"

Ichiru smiled.

"I'll consider it."

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*Endflashforward*  
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"Nevermind."

"So you have read Twilight! I knew it you fucking pussy!" Kaname accused.

"Oh yeah? Who has a poster of fuckin' RPatz in his dorm room?"

"Hey, I have Yuuki as my cover! An incestuous relationship with her will completely hide my infatuation with Robbie-kins!" he got all sparkly eyed.

"Fuck you too I'm going to go off and masturbate. AT LEAST MY FINGERS WON'T DISAPPOINT ME MISTER NEGATIVE TRIPLE X CONDOM!!" Yuuki screamed, trying to force her way out of the shower.

"Ooh, burn!" Zero lol-ed.

"At least I have a dick Ms. Flatty Patti! Robbie-kins has move boobage than you!"

"Flatty Patti? No fucking wonder you like RPatz you faerie." Yuki retorted.

"Where you going lil' sis? Got an itty-bitty-titty committee meeting to get to?"

"Oh, he got you that time. Yuu-" Zero was cut off abruptly when Yuuki shoved her tongue down his throat.

"I don't care if you're a bisexual pill-popping freak of nature three levels beneath me, at least you actually pay attention to me."

Zero looked like just -

"Jizzed in his pants!" Ichiru sang in a soprano. The glass to the shower door shattered.

"And you, they already did that episode of Saturday Night Live, build a bridge, and get over it." Yuuki snapped.

"Oh, oh chika you did not just call me out putang e na you little tramp." Ichiru spat in a Spanish accent.

"Oh yeah, I think I just fuckin' did." Yuuki snapped three times in his face, her ghetto accent strong. "And that's why you're such a bad actress, who the fuck does a Spanish accent when they're speaking Tagalog? Learn your fukkin geography."

"Punta, same damn difference."

Yuuki looked as if she'd just been slapped.

"Oh hell no, Kaname, hold my poodle!" she shoved a still dazed Zero in his direction.

"Oi! You're interrupting my fantasied of Robbie-kins!"

"Hold my damn poodle and I'll give you a snapshot of him to use as your jizz dartboard."

Zero snapped out of it.

"Hey, enough of the fucking dog jok-"

"SHUT UP JACOB!" everyone screamed at him in unison.

"You don't even know how to control my bitch." Ichiru sneered.

"You mean MY bitch you wannabe vamp! At least I gots my edumacation, I'm still in school, where the fuck were you for the last few years? Only failing at your goals, becoming Shizuka' lover and a vamp. I've passed fifty'leven grades meanwhile."

"Oh really, how, by sleeping with the teachers you ho? What is that, ghetto math for sixty-one?"

"Hey, Ichiru," Zero called from the corner.

"Yeah baby?" he asked, eyes huge, and sparkling.

"OMFG SPARKLY EDDY!!!" Kaname tackled Ichiru to the ground, smothering him in kisses.

"Careful with the merchandise!" Zero fumed.

"Holy shit, Jacob is really Pimp-san?" Yuuki asked in wonder.

"Only for you baby." he grinned as he shoved garlic in Kaname's face.

"That shit doesn't work on me!" Kaname grinned triumphantly.

"Well, okay, I guess I'll throw out this garlic, that's been up RPatz's ass... What a waste..."

"Holy fucking shit! Are you forealz?"

"Go get 'em!" Zero tossed the garlic out the door, Kaname was in hot persuit.

"Wait for me Sparkly Eddy!!"

"Finally," Zero turned to Ichiru to help him up. "Baby I thought he was going to hurt you."

"HA! See that hooker vamp? Zero was worried about me!"

"NOT YOU!" Zero pimp slapped then bent Ichiru over. He pulled his twin's pants down and shoved his hand up his ass.

"Ahh, fuck yes!" the other one moaned obscenely, tweaking on his nipples.

"Stop making those disgusting noises," Zero pulled a plasmascreen out of his twin's ass with a resounding popping noise.

"So that's where you hid my tv!" Ichiru accused.

"Well there was more than enough room you see,"

"LIAR!" Kaname stormed back into the bathroom. "I shoved that piece of garlic all up my fucking nose and I could not smell a trace of Robbie-kins ass!"

"You were about to hump my fucking plasmascreen, sue me Twi-whore."

"Maybe I will! How would you feel about that? Where the hell is Judge Judy? She'll know what to do!" he grabbed the remote from Ichiru's ass and flipped the tv on. Judge Judy was tending to a couple who were fighting over car payments. "Well, let's go dog!" he tossed the remote aside and turned to gather Zero, once he found him. "Oi, Yuuki, your poodle went AWOL!"

"Oh, oh is it my turn to speak now? After the script pulled away from me to focus on your faerie ass?"

"No one likes a bitter bitch." Kaname frowned.

"Build a bridge and get the fuck over it." Ichiru added for good measure.

"STFU and help me find your hubbie or I'm sticking the charges on you." Kaname dragged the other Kiryuu twin off on the manhunt.

"Fucktards!" Yuuki called after them before huffing and sitting down with the remote in front of the funbox. She started flipping through different channels until a fight on one of them caught her eye. Hastily she flipped back to that channel, in the mood to watch people beat the shit out of each other.

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*Inthetvworld*  
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"Bitch that's my husband! Now I dun give a fuck if you got a baby comin' by him, that's your problem! You ain't gettin him!" a hillbilly woman stood pointing at a thin bucktoothed blond with her cigarette.

"You fatass ugly bitch, you can go to hell I'm gonna marry her and you can't do shit about it. You can't fuckin touch her cuz she's pregnant I'll tear yer ass up!" a guy who looked like he could be Don Vito flabbered on with a beer can in his hand.

"She ain't pregnant in her fuckin face!" the fat chick yelled, decking the blond.

"**FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!**" the crowd yelled.

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*IntheVKworld*  
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"Kaname! Bring Zerorin back! He stole my snacks!" Ichiru was yelling down the hall. A moment later Kaname appeared with Zero in tow, heading to the tv.

"NO! WE'RE SORTING THIS OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" Kaname yelled back, heading straight for the plasmascreen, unaware that the channel had been changed.

"Give me back my gummi Zero!" Ichiru yelled, diving for the back of Kaname's shirt as he disappeared into the television.

"Gummi?" Yuuki blinked, catching Ichiru's ankle as he was swallowed whole by the screen, coming along for the ride.

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_ROFLCOPTER  


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_

Can anyone possibly guess where they're going??

In** reviews** I trust.


	2. Tard Travel A Shipper Change?

This fic is just for fun.

Crude Humor Content Alert: Sexual situations, incest allusions, all that good stuff... TV land can be fun. Lot's of random crap. I own nothing but the plot, if you can call it that. Everything is purely for humor.

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Everyone landed on the stage in a pile, Zero being on the bottom.

"Get the hell off! I don't want to be clusterfucked!"

"Too late for that." Kaname muttered under his breath.

"Hey, who the heck are you magicians?" A guy with a microphone and some index cards came up to expect the pile.

"Where the hell is Judge Judy? I wanna sue this bastard right here!" Kaname drug Zero up by the collar of his shirt.

"This isn't Judge Judy, it's Jerry Springer. Thank you for playing but you're shit outta luck."

"Then what the hell do you do?" Ichiru quirked a brow.

"You're kidding, right? Trash tv? People beating the shit outta each other? Hillbillies everywhere? Ring a bell?"

"I'm not too familiar with it, but if you're talking about hillbillies, those two over there have been screwing for the better part of five chapters." Ichiru introduced the Kuran siblings nonchalantly.

"Your point? What, one is cheating with the other's mother of father?"

"Nope. They're brother and sister'"

The audience gasped, looks of shock clear on many faces.

"So? We aren't fucking human so it doesn't matter! What's you're excuse since you like taking it up the ass from your twin?" Yuuki yelled at Ichiru. The audience's collective gasp became coughs from two consecutive surprises.

"Hey!" Zero threw her a dirty look.

"Sorry honey." She added as an afterthought.

"Who the hell would keep on fucking someone who is possibly the most needy of breast implants in the world? I swear I tried to titty fuck her once and I had to stick my shit in a chasm to get to her nipples!" Kaname bitched.

"Asstard! It's hard to stick something so small anywhere."

"At least I have something!"

"My bellybutton would probably be too big for you!"

"Like hell!"

"You probably just can't get him hard like RPatz sweetie." Ichiru cut in.

"Back off of her of I'll back off of you Ichiru!"

"Wait wait, what the hell is going on here?" Jerry turned to the other guests on stage. "This is way better than the shit you guys can act out, go wait in the back." The trio that took the stage before shuffled off, grumbling about not being paid enough. "Now, introduce yourselves, besides, that one," he nodded to a Kiryuu twin. "Ichiru right?"

"That's right." he beamed back. "The one who looks like me is Zero, my oniitan, the guy over there with the Twilight obsession is Kaname, and that bitch next to him is his sister Yuuki."

"Oh God, not another Twitard. You know they're ruining the youth of America?" Jerry asked. "And I take it that oniitan is some sort of slang for, what, lover or something?"

"What's an America? We're Nihon." Kaname asked. The camera focused on him, and a plasmascreen behind the chairs for the guests lit up with his image. Everyone turned to read the bar beneath his face that said

**"Kaname - A clueless idiot."**

Zero snickered.

"They couldn't have been more right, you actually thought that clove of garlic was shoved up RPatz ass."

"Hey, shut the hell up! When the possibility presents itself you've got to take it, just in case!"

"Kaname, your giving me a headache," Yuuki stood up, forgetting she was completely naked in front of an audience. she produced a photograph in midair. "Lay off Zero and I'll give you his autographed picture right now." Kaname instantly relinquished Zero's collar, eyes locked on the picture.

"Holy shit," Jerry looked at Yuuki for the first time. The camera zoomed in on her upper half. "You mean to say you're a chick? Get those sensors up!" he shouted at his team. Yuuki's bar appeared beneath her on the flatscreen and everyone turned to read.

**"Yuuki - Not even implants can bring her back from negative."**

Yuuki's middle finger shot up at the host.

Ichiru, who had been staying out of Kaname's reach, rushed forward to pull his twin in a mad embrace. Zero stood stoically, begging for the moment to be over. A headline flashed beneath the image of the hugging twins on the screen.

**"Twincest -Is it _just_ Narcissism?"**

"Yuukiiiiii, the picture!!" Kaname panted.

"Ugh, here." Yuuki threw him the pic, Kaname catching it, beginning to rub up it over his face and chest. The camera was focused on him again at his antics, a new headline flashing underneath his orgasmic expression.

**"Creams his mutherfuckin' panties over RPatz"**

"So, Ichiru, how did this sort of relationship form out of your one as brothers? Do you get turned on by looking at yourself in the mirror or something?" Jerry asked conversationally. Ichiru's eyes lit up, excited to tell the tale.

"What? Oh course! We're just too damn sexy. Pshyea. Okay, so it was like, totally our birthday, and I had just gotten the new Lady Gaga CD, I totally support her btw, she's soooo trendy! Well, Zero had gotten a 50 Cent CD, he went around singing 'Magic Stick'. I thought it was such a cute song, so cool that my bro was trying to be all hardcore and down with his homies. I turn on the Lady Gaga CD and listen to 'Lovegame.' And the rest was history!"

There were uncomprehending stares all around.

"Let me show you," he climbed into Zero's lap. "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick hunny!" he sang in the same soprano. Yuuki dragged Ichiru off of her new lover.

"Let me the first to ask, what the fuck?" Jerry looked like his brain broke.

"Zero's too fucking young to have a disco stick! Ride Kaname's, if you can find it, he's more than old enough to have one."

"**FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!**" A glow came from the far side of the stage. An explosion sounded followed by light brighter than the sun. When the light faded everything was covered in white, sticky liquid. A picture of RPatz dripped down to the floor from the ceiling. In that same corner, a hard golden glow was still around.

"You mean, you were the one I was looking for this entire time?" Ichiru whispered. There, in all it's phallic glory, was Kaname's Magic Stick.

"That's the power of Pinsol baby." Kaname smiled. "I mean RPatz."

"This Relic must be cherished!" Ichiru exclaimed. He inched forward, touching the tip of Kaname's cock. It twitched before the glow around it flared up like a fire, the girth of it doubling in size.

"Holy shit Ichiru..." Yuuki said in an awed voice.

"YOU MADE IT FUCKIN' GO SUPERSAYIAN 3!" Zero screamed. Yuuki tackled the twin nearest Kaname. It was true, the tuft of brown hair that had been there before became spiky, golden like the light, and grew thrice its size.

"Give me the goddamned cheat code for that shit right now!" her eyes bugged through the cum that coated her face, and everything else in the room.

"Isn't it a little too quiet in here?" Kaname commented. They all looked to the audience, who had drowned in the flood of Kaname's cum. there was a momentary collective silence where they looked at each other, then around the room again. Jerry was floating face down in the River of Jizz. The plasmascreen in the back was beginning to clear, the liquids sliding off the screen. They could barely make out the words across the new bar, camera still trained on Kaname.

**"Are You Free Tonight?"**

"How do we get the fuck out of here now?" Zero asked. "All this jizz is starting to make me nauseous." Yuuki shoved a hand in her cunt.

"Look here biatch, just because I own both of "your men" doesn't mean you can go off and fist yourself as you please! My guys don't want to see that!" Ichiru was irritated with her.

"Eat shit and die Bella." Yuuki replied without much thought, pulling the slender plasmascreen remote from inside of her.

"Did you just call me useless?!?" Ichiru looked like someone had told him the last pair of designer shoes had been sold.

"BITCH I didn't fuckin' stutter!" Yuuki waved the remote in his face.

"G-get your hetero juices away from me!" he stuttered in fear. "I might turn straight, then you know what will happen? I'll grow up and get married to someone like J-lo and Joan Rivers combined! And she'd be straight tens! Sure, a ten for the ass, and a negative ten for the face!" he clutched his sticky hair. Kaname comforted his new lover.

"You nasty loose hoe, take the dog and leave us alone before I get Chuck Norris on your asses." Kaname waved them off.

"I could really go for a taco right now." Zero mused. "Or maybe a dozen."

"You can eat mine, let's leave those two alone." Yuuki helped Zero up, who was having a bit of trouble.

"But I wanted a taco, not a quesadilla." he frowned. "A taco with beef, spicy chicken, tomatoes, blood."

"What was that last one?" Yuuki turned around quickly after pulling the plasmascreen down from the wall.

"Blood."

"You might want to cut back, you're getting fat." she noted, sending a pointed look to Zero's stomach.

"Maybe you're right." he placed a hand over the pooch in his stomach, rubbing it and liking the feeling.

"That's because I'm Yuuki, bitch!"

"I'm pretty sure you stole that one from Rick James," Zero said. Yuuki rounded on him.

"Fucking killjoy!" she produced a collar out of the air much in the same way she had with the pic of RPatz, placing it around his neck. "Now you're collared, and you're fucking mine!" she shrieked, tugging on the choke chain. She stalked closer to the couple in the corner. Ichiru spotted her advances too late.

"BITCH! DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHO CHUCK NORRIS IS?" he threatened in fear. "THE BOOGEYMAN CHECKS HIS CLOSET FOR THAT MUTHERFUCKER BEFORE GOING TO SLEEP! HE COUNTER TO INFINITY TWICE! HE **_IS_** THE REASON WHY WALDO'S HIDING!!"

"Bitch please! Next thing you're going to tell me is that he knows the exact location of Carmen Sandiego at all times."

"That was lame." Kaname fumed. She grabbed a hold of the bottom of Kaname's dick, slipping the chain of zero's collar around her wrist. Not to be outdone, Ichiru grabbed right above her. Yuuki grabbed above him, and Ichiru once more, topping her.

"Wait, topping me, I thought you were the chick" Yuuki asked.

"No respect! No respect for the fourth wall! Nyuk nyuk."

"The hell?" Zero asked the question on everyone's minds. A shark of blue skin with a white underbelly stood erect on its hind fins.

"It's fucking posessed!" Kaname screamed.

"Hide Goku!!" Ichiru panicked.

"Holy shit, sharkfin soup! I'm friggin' starved!" Zero's violet eyes lit up to the color of blood as he dived for Jabberjaws, swallowing him whole without any difficulties.

"Oh gawd, if he can do that, I have no doubt that he used to mess with you." Yuuki muttered to Ichiru.

"About time you recognized." he snapped.

"Bitch** I **was doing the ghetto accent!"

"Fuuck u nihon!!"

A fist connected with the younger twin's face.

"Back the fuck off Ichiru or I swear!" Zero fumed

"Jealous! You just want to play with my Goku!" Kaname screamed.

"I'll Kame you fuckin hame hah if you don't stop hitting on my dog you closet queerosexual!" Yuuki threatened her brother.

"Pfft, bitch please, you've tried before, it was a struggle to stay awake."

**"GIVE ME YOUR MAGIC STICK!!"** Ichiru screamed as he glomped the pureblood. The chair slipped in all the goop, the back landing on the floor with a squelching thud.

"AAAAARRRRGGGGHH!" he screamed back.

"I've seen enough!" Yuuki yelled at the pair. Zero was stalking her again. She took his hand and swung the flatscreen she had ripped out of the wall, catching the two in the jizz chair as well as herself and Zero.

The tv clattered to the sticky ground, a trio of people in white lab coats fading on the screen.

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A look ahead: Diagnosis! Zero's What?! Surprise Kaname!

Until next time!


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